Sarcastically Thankful & Thankfully Sarcastic
28 November 2013 at 05:02
- First of all, I'm thankful for Facebook, because clicking "Like" really will change the world . . . someday. Not today, of course, and probably not tomorrow, and maybe not the day after tomorrow. But someday, yes, almost absolutely. Definitely. Count on it.
- I'm thankful that I can't sleep, because last night I had a nightmare that Cara had died, and HOW MUCH WOULD IT SUCK if that happened again?
- I'm thankful that so many stores are getting into the habit of kicking off their Black Friday sales at six p.m. on Thanksgiving Day, because literally nothing in the world could ever make more sense than shopping yourself to death to show your loved ones how much you love them. Seriously, HOW ELSE could you ever possibly celebrate each other on a holiday named for a dude who threw one of the most epic hissy fits in history when he saw a synagogue being used as a marketplace?* That's right, you couldn't. Ever.
- Speaking of Jesus! I'm thankful that Gay + Bish = Outcast Who is Going "Straight" to Hell, because HOW BORING WOULD IT BE if my blood family was automatically also my family in bond?
- Is it ever okay to straight-up murder a teenager? Is healthcare a universal right, or is it a privilege reserved for the people who can afford to choose to pay for it? Are idiot celebrities like Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus the root of all evil, or is it possibly somewhat our fault for continuing to allow them to be famous? I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I'm thankful that "debates" like these are more important than the "fact" that millions of people are literally starving to death RIGHT NOW. (Note: Is it actually millions, or more, or less? I don't know, but I'm afraid to look it up because dealing with my depression is tough enough as it is, thank you.)
- I'm thankful that my best friend forever abruptly stopped speaking to me a month or so ago & neglected to explain why, because HOW MUCH WOULD IT SUCK OUT LOUD if I could trust the one person who made it easy, and even effortless, to shut up and believe in myself?
- I'm thankful that next year will be better than this one . . . because it has to be.
- Again, I'm thankful for Facebook, because it's easier than ever to stay in touch BUT ALSO way too convenient to lose touch. Another triumph for technology.
In conclusion, I'm grateful that no one will read this, because it's boring me to tears and I'm the one writing it.
*A lot of hypo-Christians like to point out that, while it may be a tad materialistic, they are merely upholding tradition, because duh, the wise men brought Jesus gifts for his birthday. This is stupid for two reasons: 1. No they didn't. I mean, sure, they tried, but travel in the ancient world left something to be desired, so they didn't actually make it until he was a toddler. 2. The really Christian-y way to celebrate Christmas would be to abandon your sheep and do something nice for a stranger (example: feed a hungry person, which you know is precisely what JC would have done) (the loaves and the fish, anyone?), but- Oh, I'm so sorry. You're on your way to a Black Friday sale RIGHT THIS SECOND? My bad, dawg.
And all I have to say for myself is: Whatever, I'm hilarious.