This Happened, Too
DEPRESSION: You know, and I know, and everyone else definitely know, it's only a matter of time until you get fired. Because you are the worst barista in the history of coffee, and you're not remotely qualified to do things like have your own key or count your own drawer, and Audrey must have been having an aneurysm right the fuck in front of your face when she hired you, which was probably the dumbest decision she's ever made, ever, and-

RYAN: [Black Girl Stare] Oh, so I suppose I made eighty-one fucking dollars in tips today because it fucking fell out of people's fucking wallets?

Well, That Happened
The day before yesterday, my (ugh) Facebook status was:

"For the second time in less than twelve hours, depression is so bad that I'm afraid to move.

Call (even though I might not answer)? Text (even though I might not respond)? Remind me why I'm special (even though I don't feel like it)?

Or don't.

P.S. I refuse to feel guilty for putting this out there. All my haters can form a line and wait their turn and suck it."

Shortly after I hit post, I received a message (from somepony I haven't really had anything resembling an actual conversation with since we were both ~nine~) with this:


As the kids say these days, "I just, I can't even."

You'll notice that he got Gilmore Girls confused with Gossip Girl (which I've tried to watch three or four times, but, even with the promise of Michelle Trachtenberg, who introduced me to my favorite book of all time BEFORE joining the cast of The Greatest TV Show of All Time, as a total bitch, I can't even pretend to get into it; shrug), which actually makes the whole thing that much more amusing for me.

And, obviously, he gets gigantic bonus points for finding such an appropriate picture of my spirit animal.

To make a long story short, I am beyond touched.

If you'd like to read my entire reaction exactly as it happened, it is right the fuck here.

Things I'm Excited For Right Now
Earth to Echo. Um. A bunch of kids find an alien who needs their help? Heck oh yes, that is more than enough of a nostalgic Animorphs tingle to make me automatically interested.
NOTE TO SELF: Hey, I know it doesn't feel like it, but this movie actually opened on July 2nd (same day as Tammy) (which, quelle surprise, I have already seen), and that was yesterday. So you could have seen it after work today if you had had your wits about you. Oh SNAP.

Unwanted Houseguest is being banished returning to Puerto Rico for a job, uh-huh, we are so sure TOMORROW!
i really really don't wanna put this image behind a cut i will if somepony asks very nicely . . . but please don't

Witches of East End. Oh my holy gush, you guys. This SHOW. I am all caught up with season one (which is only ten episodes, so maybe stop giving me that look), and Rhea & I have a date to watch the season two premiere on Monday. Which will be completely perfect, since Monday is my Saturday, and I am looking forward to the not-weekend, because work is super stressful lately because everything is super stressful lately because reasons, which brings me to . . .

Earth Magic! Yes. I've been doing a lot lately, and it has been quite Advanced. I've been meditating so fucking often that I'm almost constantly in a meditative state (if that makes any sense), so even if I'm not actually casting a spell, I'm doing a lot of Serious Thinking about how to handle my shit without it, and- well, okay, in the Element of Honesty, I'm pretty not sure where I was planning to go with that sentence, but the point is: Thoughts of a Serious Nature are playing themselves out in my head, and ("Where are your wings? Maybe you're not as powerful as you think you are") it's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.

Yep. I just quoted two Idina Menzel songs (from two different decades) in a row. She's a witch.

The Legend of Korra! Season three gave everypony a pleasant shock by premiering last Friday ~and~ airing episodes two & three. It's obvs on hiatus for the holiday weekend, but it'll be back next Friday . . . and, here's another shock, it's going to air two new episodes every Friday until the finale, which will air on August 8th, barely a month from now. Frankly, this whole thing has been so bizarre that I would be worried about the future of the franchise show if it wasn't already renewed for season four.

Sailor Moon Crystal, duh:

anosako & I are gonna watch it together and learn Japanese.

Shut up, people who don't speak English have been known to pick it up by watching Friends. Yes. That is totally a thing. Google it, bitch.

My birthday, which is three months from tomorrow (note that it's currently 10:28 PM on Thursday, July 3rd in the magical land of Washington; LiveJournal might still think I'm in Indiana). I'm going to be twenty-freaking-seven, and you know what? I ~demand~ to spend the ~entire~ day with my sister, because I haven't seen her in person since 2010, and that is quite enough. So, yeah, I don't care who I have to kill to make this happen. As long as, you know, they're horrible people who really really thoroughly deserve it and also happen to be monsters in disguise.

So I Just Remembered This Opens Tomorrow

The teaser is hilariously hilarious & all, but the words "Melissa McCarthy's new movie" are all I really need to know, so I have done zero further research. I haven't watched interviews (even though Melissa McCarthy interviews are obviously fun to watch) or read any articles about it. Hell, I haven't even read an official synopsis of the plot, and I'm only barely aware that it also stars Allison Janney and Susan Sarandon.

I've also apparently done a thoroughly thorough job of putting it out of my mind, because I was absolutely floored when I remembered that it opens tomorrow. I don't know if I'll see it tomorrow because reason. I may or may not see it before Sunday, when Adam & I have plans to go see it with Rhea.

My excitement is such that words cannot convey it properly.

Oh my gush.

So I Saw Witches of East End
"It's been one of those days for a lot of days now/I need a day where the world can take care of itself," AND THEN yesterday was spectacularly stressful, so I invited myself to sleep over at Adam & Rhea's. Which, by the way, was an absolutely brilliant idea. Possibly one of my best lightbulb moments ever, and that's obviously saying something.

Anyway, some of the first words out of Adam's mouth were, "So, have you seen that show Witches of East End?"

I told him that, no, I hadn't. I also told him that, no, I didn't want to watch it, because a) one thing I really don't need right now is YET ANOTHER new show and b) the last time Adam recommended a show to me and I gave it a chance because the plot involved a lot of witchcraft, it was The Vampire Diaries. AND I AM STILL PISSED AT HIM.

Rhea assured me that it was worth checking out, though, so we watched the first episode together before bed.

And these are my thoughts!Collapse )

The Thing About Pride
It won't even start to get started for another twelve hours, but I am already ready for it to be over.

Why, you ask?

For one thing, lately I've been feeling MORE ANTISOCIAL THAN I EVER THOUGH IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO FEEL, so the thought of that many people being close enough to bother me . . . well, it fills me with so much dread that I forget to request it off.

So I'm working.

During the parade.

With three other baristas.

And our manager is likely going to show up to help and, no doubt, have a talk with me after she notices that everything I do is wrong.

My shift was originally nine to one like always, but that has been changed, and I am now working eight to two.

In other words, SIX HOURS of standing and talking to strangers and working with people I barely know and omg why are people so stressful just why instead of four.

Is this a dumb thing to be dreading? I don't think so (I've been doing advanced earth magic for a reason, and that reason is: Depression sucks more than usual, full stop, but we don't need to talk about it), but even if it is, the fact remains that I'm stressing.



  • Wake up super early - 6:45 at the very latest - so I have plenty of time to take a very long very hot shower, force myself to eat something, and maybe even meditate.

  • I usually try to keep a tiny Pinkie Pie in my pocket whenever I leave the house, but tomorrow I will have Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy in my left pocket and Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash in the right.

  • Basically, that is it.


  • The chocolate I've had this afternoon has done an exceptional job of allowing me to chill the fuck out and still enjoy today even though I really wish I didn't have to deal with tomorrow.

  • It's only six hours. That really isn't incredibly long.

  • Even if my manager really is there for a majority of my six hours, WHO CARES? She freaking adores me, and we have bonded (well, you know, as much as manager and employee can bond) over our love of Wicked. So if I do mess up in some way, she'll just tell me how I should be doing it and then move the fuck on because SHE ISN'T AARON.

  • Once it's over, it will officially be my weekend.

  • My #1 Fun Goal for this weekend is to watch the first three episodes of Korra season three. kind of a big deal omg

  • Tips should be pretty epic. I hope.

Earth Magic + Disney

"Your Hair Looks Sexy Pushed Back"

Traumatized, Then Relieved, and Ultimately Empowered
Soooo I have just learned that, somewhere out there in the most disturbing corners of the Interwebs, there lives some truly sick FUCK who has done a pretty good job of re-animating "Smile, Smile, Smile" (you know, the song that gave us "It's true, some days are dark and lonely/And maybe you feel sad/But Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn't that bad") as a short film about Pinkie Pie, who has finally lost her connection to the Element of Laughter and turned full-on Pinkamena, murdering (in this order) Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and THE PLANET.

The video DOES begin with a warning, but I missed it because I was in the kitchen because that's where the refrigerator lives, so all I heard was a heretofore undiscovered techno remix of "Smile, Smile, Smile."

Everything begins innocently enough, all flowers and butterflies and intoxicating electro-what-have-you music, and at first I was so excited that I thanked YouTube for starting this without asking me first, and thus inspiring me to have a one-person dance party.

But then everything turns dark, and I basically went through all the emotions you feel while you're having a much-needed cry without having to actually have a much-needed cry, but you know what? A one-person dance party sounds like one of the greatest ideas I've ever had, and

this is why I call it earth magic, because "You are not consumed by the darkness because you are full of light" is a line that's specifically about magic, and magic is important because it's a metaphor, and Depression turns my emotions into such a big deal that sometimes feeling them without, well, killing myself

might as well be magic.
More later. I'm really far too high to even be typing right now, because it has been that much of a struggle to stay sane for the last couple of days, but I have made it through, and things are officially good again, and ANYWAY YES MM-HMM getting high was an absolute necessity. Fuck.

P.S. No, I'm not gonna provide a link to the video. I say unto thou, no.

Long story short: My roommate is awesome. Our apartment is awesome. Our neighborhood is awesome.

But, lately, this place has started driving me crazy. I won't vent about all the reasons - at least, not now - but I will admit that I have gotten into the habit of occasionally browsing Craigslist. Most of what I find in my price range is pretty dreadful.


On the other hoof, look at what I discovered a few minutes ago:


Words cannot even fucking begin to tell you how much I want to live with these bitches.

Note that this room is cheaper than I'm paying now, so that would make my whole idea about asking for a third day off every week (in addition to Monday & Tuesday, which my manager graciously granted so I could haunt some open mics) eminently affordable.

Hold your breath, cross your fingers, and throw some salt over your shoulder.

With such an on-the-nose title as that, this video really should need zero introduction to anyone who's ever been introduced to me, but a precious few things you ought to bear in mind as you observe it, dear reader, are these:

1. Every one of these videos has, on multiple, occasions, been an enormously emotional (or emotionally enormous, your call) trigger for my ASMR.

2. Which, maybe sort of kind of, tells you almost everything you need to know to understand why sometimes when I get high with the intention of meditating as the high goes higher, my special code for it is "earth magic."

3. If you still have doubts, remember that I'm so fond of reminding you that MAGIC IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S A METAPHOR - in this case, a metaphor for . . . pretty much anything creative.

Quite a lot of a certain pink Pony . . .Collapse )

This playlist isn't nearly over - I expect it'll have about twenty entries altogether - but I really need to go lie down now. Writing is exhausting.

Happy Tears
As you can read for yourself right here, it was recently announced that the third season of The Legend of Korra will premiere next Friday. Yes, one week from today.

I really have nothing else to say, I'm too busy crying like a bitch.

Maybe If We Concentrate
Once upon a time, in Gilmore Girls 3x07 ("They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?"), Lorelai coerces Rory into being her partner in a twenty-four-hour dance marathon (note: this is another one of those "yearly" Stars Hollow events that only happens onscreen once), the rules of which are pretty straightforward: The clock tick-ticks for twenty-four hours, all couples must keep touching & keep moving at all times with only occasional ten-minute breaks, and the last couple standing gets a truly gigantic trophy, also there is a minute run and Dean finally breaks up with Rory so she can go make out with Jess. Our Heroes almost win, which is a nicer way of saying that they danced like bitches for almost twenty-four solid hours for just barely no reason, other than to get their asses kicked by Kirk.

The next episode, 3x08 ("Let the Games Begin," which introduces one of the season's more dramatic story arcs that does not involve teen drama or Luke's butt), gets started the very next morning. Naturellement, Lorelai & Rory are quite sore indeed, not to mention tired as all hell, so it takes them thirty minutes to walk from their house to Luke's, BUT NOT BEFORE they sit down to rest their legs a bit and have this exchange:

LORELAI: How far is Luke's?

RORY [pointing across the street]: It's just right over there.

LORELAI: It looks . . . far.

RORY: Yes, very far.

Anyway. All of this has been explained to say unto thou that this is how exhausted I have felt lately. Always. Every day. All time.

So you will, perhaps, understand where I'm coming from when I tell you about my recent decision to ask my manager for a third day off every week, because that extra day to focus on my art/try a new art, such as painting/meditate/run/write Snarky Episode Guides/replace my camera battery so it'll stay turned on again so I can shoot some Ponies omg
feels exponentially more valuable than an extra day of income, do you see?

Stuff You Can Watch (Or Just Listen To) When You're High

  • "Just Dance" - Lady Gaga

  • "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" - The Lion King


  • a certain Bonnie Bennett fanvid (Note: Okay, so this list is completely full of examples that are mostly relevant to, you guessed it, me. But hey, I am the one doing all this advanced earth magic for science.)

  • "Ballad of the Crystal Ponies" - Ponies

  • "Alors on danse" - Stromae

  • that one sketch where Dorothy Lanier throws Abbie out of her classroom

  • the nineties X-Men theme song (Bonus: Japanese version!)

  • SCANDAL parody

  • "When those five are ignited by the, the spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth Element, the Element of . . . MAGIC!"

  • "A Whole New World" - Aladdin


  • "Scary Poppins"

  • "Total Eclipse" Literal Video

  • Charlie's Angels fight scene (you know which one)

  • "Midnight City" - M83

One Thing (of Many) in Particular That I Hate About Charmed
. . . Is the completely utter, utterly complete lack of anything resembling a sense of, how do you say, wonder in the whole "three sisters, all of whom are grown-ass women in their twenties, suddenly discover that magic is real and they are the most powerful witches of all time who are basically, well, magical superheroes who are not all that good at their jobs omg" story arc, FOR EXAMPLE:

1. After getting over the initial shock of straight-up magically murdering their first fellow magic user (with rhymes!), all three sisters really ought to read the entire Book of Shadows, cover to cover, backward and forward and over & over, so many times that they have it memorized by episode four AT THE VERY LATEST. You know, because they know for a fact that all sorts of demons & other monsters are going to be trying to kill them every episode, and knowledge is power, common knowledge, be prepared, blah blah blah.

2. Never does it ever occur to anyone that, for example, "My sister can move things with her mind/freeze time/see the future; why can't I do the same thing with a rhyme? Particularly when that is the very thing that could save the day!"

3. I'm sorry, it takes them how long to try using magic to contact their mother, who died when they were kids? Even though a spirit board was the thing that led Phoebe to the Book of Shadows? Seriously? How do the THREE most powerful witches of all time (TM) have zero imagination between them? For realskies?

Two Lists
Things That Make Me Happy

  1. Laughter

  2. Books

  3. Quoteage

  4. Magic

  5. THE LITTLE MERMAID EXCEPT SHARK ("I am a shark / Isn't that neat? / You couldn't name something I couldn't eat . . .")

  6. Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, & Twilight Sparkle (and Spike!)

  7. Girls Who Kick Ass

  8. Cake

  9. Pony Techno

Things That Don't

  • Tomorrow is Father's Day and I forgot to request it off in advance, so I have to pretend to be a normal person and go to work for four insanely busy hours, after which I intend to watch The Fault in Our Stars - alone - so I can sit and think and cry in the dark like the bitch I am.

  • So, in conclusion: Ugh.

  • I'm already exhausted.

Alright, so I'm doing some particularly potent earth magic right now, and one thing led to another, which naturally brought us to watching The Greatest TV Show of All Time 5x19, "Tough Love," and (so far) I have realized two things, one of which is slightly more important than the other:

1. Giles is so freaking sexy that anything that comes out of his gorgeous mouth (example: "Ah yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious") gives me shivers. Not just any shivers, oh no, these are the sort of shivers that make me realize, OH SHIT, my ASMR is being triggered like whoa.
In other words, his voice literally causes orgasms in my brain.
Interpret that as you will.

2. The scene where Glory taunts Tara in a monologue while holding her hand at such disturbingly grotesque angles that her hand starts to bleed and then eats her brain makes me really, really, really happy that Giles eventually kills her. Which happens after Buffy relentlessly smashes her face with a hammer. Which is after Xander gives her a love tap with an actual wrecking ball. Which is after Willow puts a hole in her head.
Which is something she teaches herself how to do so she can get revenge and restore Tara's sanity.
Sooo I suppose my question is, if it wasn't for the Chosen One's Three Best Friends, would Glory have totally won and killed us all?


Oh My Holy Fucking Cows, There is a New Sailor Moon Trailer!

The Witch & The Vampire, Part II: Death of the Vampire
"Witchcraft is the scariest, simplest magic there is, baby: It's all about getting lost and finding yourself."Collapse )

One of the Most Important Questions I Ever Have Asked Myself . . . Maybe
Q: What is the absolute best thing to eat while watching Gilmore Girls?

A: Coffee & pancakes (preferably from Luke's).

B: Anything Sookie has ever made or talked about making, from blueberry shortcake to a dead animal frickin' fried in a skillet.

C: Something fancy, like Chicken Kiev or Lobster Thermidor.

D: Indian food . . . after which, naturally, you will need to burn your house down to get the smell out.

E: Pizza and/or Chinese.

F: Two or more kinds of cereal in the same bowl.

G: Used dessert.

H: A burger, or some other something that involves bread & meat & cheese that won't judge you as you eat it.

"I" is for "ice cream!"

J: Salad in a bag (if you're really hungry and really bored and really desperate).

K: A cake with Rory's face on it.

L: A cake with William Shakespeare's face on it.

M: Beer, wine, & rum.


O: An Altoid.

P: Eight shots of tequila (or however many it takes to make you think you're Cher).


R: Pop-Tarts. The whole box. And, the whole time you're eating, keep asking yourself: "Do I even like these? Why can't I tell if I like these?"

S: Anything shaped like Santa's face.

T: T-Bones & Bloody Marys.

U: Old gelato.

V: Dirty pasta.

W: Free cake.

X: Fuzzy Certs.

Y: All of the above.

Z: This question is impossible.

Pinkie Pie Defies Gravity (And So Can You!)

The Element of Laughter is serious business, y'all.Collapse )

Well, That Happened.

The Witch & The Vampire, Part I: Birth of the Witch
Spoiler Alert: WITCH WINSCollapse )

I'm not exactly completely satisfied with this, but it felt good to just shut up and write. Heh.

A True, True Friend
If you tell a "joke" (note my use of sarcastic quotation marks) that obviously goes on quite a bit longer than it needs to and never really approaches a punchline, a friend who Honestly Kindly Generously Loyally Magically puts the second F in BFF will respond with something to the tune of,

"Oh my God, dude, that was such a page-turner of a tale! Should I make an offer for the movie rights now, or would you prefer to have my lawyers call your people first thing next Tuesday?"

And then you might die of Laughter and come the fuck back because Friendship truly is THE MOST POWERFUL MAGIC OF ALL.

I am one blessed Bish.

So I Saw Maleficent
Spoilers, obviously!Collapse )

Some Thoughts on The Game
Once upon a time in Indiana, I went over to hang with my BFF and he made me watch The Game.

Well, I mean, it's not as though I hugely minded (when you are with your BFF, obviously, you can potentially have more fun if you watch the dumbest thing ever made, as long as you're together), but it was definitely not, in any way, my choice: A dramedy about a bunch of bitches in the NFL and their wives, girlfriends, and mothers? No thank you, although the fact that it was on BET, which had previously led my BFF (who, by the way, grew up in "the hood") to introduce me to more than a few Pure Unadulterated Comedy Gold gems, did pique my interest quite a bit.

Anyway, despite its boring-beyond-all-reason premise, I did find myself enjoying it for the following reasons:

* One of the main characters was played by Brandy, and that just makes me all kinds of happy.

* From a purely SCIENCEY sociological-ish perspective, I find it fascinating how these people, who range from younger than me to middle-aged, can make all this insane level of money for literally playing games (or, in the case of the wives & girlfriends & mothers, knowing people who literally play games), and still act like teenagers.

* Sometimes, intentionally or not, it is beyond funny. For example, in the episode we watched then, I laughed myself to tears over a scene in a grocery store where one of the NFL Bitches asks his girlfriend why they're on the cover of a bunch of sports magazines and Black Hair. Her response? "Because my hair happens to occasionally be on point."

SO YEAH, when I discovered that the first three seasons (which did not air on BET, interestingly; read up on this show's strangely complicated channel-hopping journey here) were available on Netflix, you can understand how NATURALLY I would be inclined to do a thing like watch seven episodes in a row.

And I have thoughts!

MELANIE - Is played by Tia (of Tia & Tamera), who eventually leaves and gets replaced by a new character who is played by Brandy (note: Tony explained all of this to me during commercial breaks, and I should have recorded the whole thing). In medical school. Her boyfriend, Derwin, is a rookie. So far, we have met zero of her non-Sunbeam friends except for a classmate, whose name I've already forgotten because she was only in one episode, who weaseled her way into a game so she could hook up with Malik. Although she is, you know, in med school, so she probably doesn't have a ton of free time, and whatever time she does have is pretty much taken the fuck up between Tasha and Kelly. Anyway, she's pretty great, but I'm trying not to get attached, since I already know she will eventually leave the show.

DERWIN - Melanie's boo thang. In his rookie year on (with? in? I don't care about sports terms) the San Diego Sabers (who I'm fairly certain are as fictional as Pawnee, Indiana). Should never wear a shirt.

TASHA - Everything. No, seriously, this character might be my new everything. Long before meeting my BFF (who, remember, is from "the hood" and sometimes tells me stories about his mother and grandmother and auntie), I always felt this weird kinship with Sassy Black Women . . . which basically explained itself in a way that made perfect sense once I realized I was gay, because some stereotypes are completely true.
I know I'm only seven episodes in, but I kind of worship her. She's every bit as snarky as Emily Gilmore or Lady Grantham or Endora . . . but, you know, younger. And not a witch. Or British. Or a ginger.

MALIK - Quarterback. Kind of a dick. Lives with his mama (who, I forgot to mention, is also his manager, who is also Tasha). Any time he's unhappy about anything, everybody around him acts like he's an exceptionally emotional toddler who will literally go nuclear if he throws a tantrum. Frankly, it's pathetic.

KELLY - The white girl! I don't know, y'all. I want to like her even though she annoys me. Because she is just that funny. Sort of. It's complicated.
But I do love the fact that one character, who has so far made two Completely Serious Jokes about "black hair" that I've caught, also says something about the fact that she's white about once an episode. And that character, obviously, is Tasha.

JASON - Will eventually end up with the character played by Brandy, so it's interesting to me that the writers have already made the fact that he & Kelly have deep-rooted difficulties in their relationship kind of a crucial theme of the show.

Are those all of my thoughts? No, of course not. But shut up, I must watch episode eight!

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